Monday, January 20, 2014

MTC Experience 1/20/2014

Hello! If I was writing you a few days ago this would be a very different letter. I would have been a little more negative and a whole lot more worn out. I totally get why they don't let us email till Monday. Brilliant thinking on their part. They say if you can make it to Sunday, you can make it all the way. Well, I made it to Sunday so I guess that's good. The schedule here is unbelievably draining. Because I'm not learning a language, we have the classes and study time condensed into a week and a half. I'm talking hours and hours a day. I don't think I have ever been this tired in my life. But its not just tired because you are drained too. Remember how when Sidney Rigdon and Joseph Smith had all those visions? Well one account said that after the vision would end Sidney would fall down like a rag because the experience left him with no energy. The amount of the spirit left him totally incapable of standing.? Yep, its kinda like that here. The spirit is so strong and its super awesome, but you have moments or teaching experiences and you walk away feeling like falling down. To have the spirit and feel it and learn from it can totally drain every part of you. I don't know if that makes any sense but its crazy. This work is amazing. There are no words for what happens to the missionary. I feel like the Emily I left a week ago was so young and immature. It might sound funny to you but this week has pretty much just showed me how much I don't get. I knew some stuff, but the depth of my conversion wasn't where it should have been. It scares me to death to realize how much work I have to do in my own life so I can go and help others do it in their lives. But at the same time my testimony of God now allows me to realize that right now, me as Sister Huber, is totally capable of being His missionary and sharing His gospel. I stopped beating myself up yesterday about how I wasn't good enough at this. Because you know what, this is not about ME. This is not the work of Emily Huber. It is the work of my savior Jesus Christ. When the natural man turns in, Christ turns out. That is a big charge but one i'm willing to try and accept. I knelt down last night and I told God I would stop doing this for other people and start doing this purely for HIM. Before I left for my mission everyone kept telling me how awesome I would be or how I wouldn't struggle because I was so ready to go. I kept letting those thoughts get in my head and then when I would struggle, which happens a lot, I would start to get really negative and all down on myself because I wasn't being the "perfect" missionary that everyone said I would be. Ha what a joke. Its like I was serving this mission to prove to everyone that I was that awesome. WRONG idea by the way. Don't ever do anything to prove to someone else that you can. I realized that I would never be enough as a missionary if I was trying to live up to someone's idea of what I should be. I would constantly be miserable when I had a hard day or when a lesson went bad because I would have failed that person's idea of me. But the thing with God is that I can't fail Him. What a freeing beautiful thought that is. We never fail God. Never. You have never Failed Him because His love doesn't know a limit. I knelt down, sobbing, and told God that this mission was for Him. It was His time and I promised to keep it that way. The pressure of being perfect went totally away. To him I've always been perfectly enough. My MTC teacher told me I had to get a speck of land worth rowing towards or I would just sit in the middle of the ocean with no hope of being saved. If you can see the land you can keep yourself going, no matter how tough or tired you are. I found my speck of land. I have my purpose that can get me to wake up and study for 14 hours. It's Him. I love my Savior with all my heart and I want Him to mold me. I can't even wait to see what He can make me. And this message, well its wonderful. And simple. And that makes it beautiful and freeing. I have way more to say but folks.....time is up. Sister Wixom, General Primary President, spoke to us on Sunday and then Sister Sheri Dew that night. Kinda fantastic. I'm starting to get less drained from being constantly taught and uplifted. I love you and I pray for you. Sister Huber p.s. Really all I want is popcorn though for real. I crave it.

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